Feedback is not always crystal clear in the way we expect it. There’s all sorts of interpretations to be made and feedback can be explicit as well as implicit.

The way how people respond to feedback is very personal. Often the feedback receivers don’t remember the message very clearly and there’s different reasons for this of which I only mention a few :

• The feedback receivers may feel uncomfortable because they don’t like feedback as they perceive it as criticism
• They might apply a filter and remember only the bad part of the message, not hearing any praise
• Or they could apply another filter to remember only what was good, meaning they filter out anything bad for self-preservation

When giving feedback there’s no golden rule as to how to give effective feedback in such a way it applies to everyone. It is very important to take someone’s working style *, behaviours and communication styles into account in order to understand them better.

In addition to that, the style of the feedback giver needs to be taken into account as well. One word may mean very high praise from one person and many nice words may mean not very much from another.

Last week one of my coachees had her yearly appraisal with her line manager. The coachee had progressed a lot over the last months and I was secretly hoping she would get recognition for her hard work, a genuine “well done”. The reality was different, no explicit praise. When enquiring about how the conversation went compared to previous years, something interesting emerged. This year the line manager had been very relaxed having a conversation instead of going through the list of questions on the appraisal form and the conversation had been a really good one. No direct words of praise but different behaviour from the line manager and this is positive feedback as well, albeit implicit.

One shouldn’t always look for clean and explicit feedback. Feedback can be given implicitly and this may be connected with a person’s working style, cultural background, personal past experiences etc.

I agree that a direct line manager should be able to stretch out of his/her comfort zone in order to develop giving and receiving feedback effectively. Only the reality is often out of our control. Giving effective feedback requires serious personal development for managers and it takes time and a safe environment to do so, which is not so obvious in all organisations. What we say and feel may impact our future within an organisation.

Only very recently I heard a comment that even constructive feedback is not very useful and alarms went off inside my brain. I really couldn’t believe what I heard. In my experience, over the years I worked with managers at different levels in organisations, the part of the course participants find most useful is the part where they give honest feedback to each other.

What’s really important is that giving feedback is done in a safe way, in an I’m OK/You’re OK position*, with only good intent. If people feel unsafe about feedback they may classify it altogether as useless.

Useful to remember is not to give feedback to people on a “one size fits all” basis !

Some signs to watch out for when giving feedback to your team or colleagues :

• If people feel uncomfortable receiving feedback, then keep your feedback concise, don’t dig it down. “I value your hard work” may be good enough. Let them know that you see them and ask regularly for their opinions. This may be high enough praise to them.
• If people are craving for feedback all the time, then refrain from giving too much. These people may become too dependent on your good opinion. The challenge here is to make them think about themselves and to teach them to value their own good opinions instead of relying on someone else’s. Don’t involve too many emotions in your feedback. Keep it task-related and reassure them you value them as a person.
• If people are very self-critical you can make them feel at ease by pointing out that 80% is good enough in certain cases. Not all tasks require 100% accuracy. When giving them constructive feedback you might turn them into even bigger self-critics. Better to ask them what feedback they would give themselves and then to mitigate it. They can be very harsh on themselves. Give your feedback precisely with lots of detail. They like that.
• If people are very busy and engaged in all sorts of tasks it is important to give them positive feedback about their work in focusing and progressing tasks until they are finished. By doing so you will reinforce their behaviour in completing tasks and not just keeping themselves busy. Give your feedback in a humorous way. It may land much better.
• If people are rushing all the time and procrastinating tasks until the last minute it is wise to give them constructive feedback about planning well ahead. Keep your feedback short and concise or it will not land. After all they are in a hurry. Think of the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland.

Take into account someone’s behaviours and working styles when giving feedback. It’s not all about transmitting the message, but making sure it is fitted to the person to make it land well. Otherwise it’s just a waste of time.

Feedback, some like it small, others like it big

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*Working styles and I’m OK/You’re OK refer to concepts from Transactional Analysis